One: ramblings about the premise of this blog.

Weed

/wiːd/

Noun

a wild plant growing where it is not wanted and in competition with cultivated plants.

Wild daisies are my favourite flower. They remind me of the excitement of an emerging summer. When I see them beginning to pop out the earth, I feel a buzz in my belly, and my mind leaps between memories of past summers and fantasies about the upcoming one. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I clocked that daisies are classified as weeds. This realisation genuinely troubled me; the term ‘weed’ has such negative connotations. It means that, by definition, daisies are ‘not wanted’. I decided that nature should be a canvas for free expression, and whilst there’s no denying that daisies are ‘weeds’ to some, it does not have to mean that they are not welcome in my (future) garden. Yes, they may be a pain. But I will always see the beauty in them.

When I found out I had cancer, I conceptualised it as so many different things. A bully. An imposter. A monster. But none of them felt quite right. Whilst the diagnosis literally shook my world and turned it on its head, I noticed an occasional pattern of thinking where I saw cancer as something that could be positive in my life. I’m not going to pretend that didn’t FREAK me out. How can cancer be positive? It’s a bully, an imposter, a monster. Isn’t it? I reasoned that those thoughts were maybe my minds way of desperately creating something to think about that I could tolerate. Fabricating thoughts just so there was something hopeful and positive floating around to combat the thunderstorm of thoughts fuelled by shock, anger, sadness and, predominately, utter fear.

But the positive thoughts persisted, and as the storm began to slowly settle, I could start to see more clearly. These positive thoughts were not lies. Having them did not make me weird. And that’s when it clicked; cancer, to me, is a weed. It grows in the body where it is not wanted. It spreads if you don’t cut it back. It has many negative connotations. But the experience of cancer, can have positives. Just like seeing the beauty in daisies, I hope to find the beauty in this experience. I hope to grow wiser, more resilient, more insightful about who I am, how I feel and who I want to be. Let’s be really honest, having cancer is shit and this journey will probably have more downs than ups. But I refuse to deny the positives my mind is telling me to search for. This blog is my ramblings of the journey of navigating the ups and downs of cancer. The weed. The c-weed.

#breastcancer #checkyourboobs